I’m back. Back “home.” Back in America. Back in Boston. Like a newborn baby calf, I’m working to get my legs under me.
You could make the case that America isn’t exactly the most desirable place in the world to live at the moment. I mean, between the resurgence of jean jackets on women and the demise of quality cable sitcoms; not to mention, oh I don’t know, the gun violence and the horse loose in the hospital, maybe America isn’t the best place to live right now.
With that being said, I’ve been all around the world over the past year and could still make a strong case that Boston is the best city and the United States is the best country to live in. Soooo, I’m a little biased.
The list of missed
Despite all the horrible things going on in our country, there are still A LOT of things I have missed about America. Some are things I didn’t even know I would miss, while others are things people told me I would miss, that I told them there was no way in hell I would miss, that I now thirst for with the ferocity of a Boston guy who has struck out 4-6 weekend in a row at Lincoln. Some of them are very broad. Others are oddly specific. All of them I cannot wait to get back involved with.
In no particular order, here’s what I missed:
Buffalo Chicken Pizza –
You thought I was going to say something stupid like “my family” first, didn’t you? Wrong. While yes, I did miss my mom, my dad, my brothers, my grandma, my aunts and uncles and cousins, can they really compete with a gooey, cheesy bite of buff chix pie dipped in ranch…
I didn’t think so.
Speaking of ranch…
Ranch –
Surprisingly tough condiment to find abroad.
4th of July –
People seem to think that this past year of traveling has just been all sunshine and rainbows for me. That I just wake up in the morning and piss out gorgeous Instagram photos. Well, it’s not.
I had to miss the 4th of July this year. America’s Independence Day. Beer, hot dogs, fireworks, more beer, corn hole, white pants, another beer and the delicious, salty tears of the British.
Gallons of milk –
This is where the U.S. really has things figured out. Pasteurized, probably full of chemicals, but in a jug that actually stands up in the fridge.
Most of the places I’ve been I can’t even distinguish the milk from the yogurt. To make matters worse, they both come in a non-sealable bag. How is a strapping young boy like me supposed to grow up big and strong without his daily dose of skim?!
Yes. Skim.
American women –
Listen, I have a hard enough time approaching and speaking to women as it is. I don’t need the added challenge of not speaking the language, being unable to clap on the beat or remotely stay on rhythm and looking whiter than the previously mentioned bag of milk.
Just the normal challenges with women will be a welcome change.
Boston subway system –
I’ve been on subway systems that make the T in Boston look like it is just dragging people around on one of those weirdly fascinating shirt rotation devices at the dry cleaner.
BUT, if you don’t have a shitty subway system, what in the world are you supposed to complain about to your coworkers when you arrive at the office in the morning?? People need things to complain about.
Boston weather –
If you don’t have a shitty subway system or shitty weather, what in the world are you supposed to complain about to your coworkers when you arrive at the office in the morning?? People need things to complain about.
Football Sundays –
There is NOTHING better than sitting on your own couch in a pile of your own filth from noon until midnight, listening to the sweet sounds of Scott Hanson on Red Zone and watching football until your eyes bleed. Having the same delivery man on Seamless return to your house 6 hours later with the same exact order of pork dumplings and chicken lo mein.
Nothing better.
Helicopter parents –
Every country has them, but American ones are particularly fun to watch torment their small children.
English –
I have so desperately missed being able to effectively communicate what I want or need to waiters, bartenders, barbers, strangers, neighbors, hookers, police officers, street vendors, taxi drivers, public workers, dog walkers, con artists, and also women.
Flushing toilet paper –
You don’t realize how important this is until you’re adjusting to Peruvian food and only have a tiny wastepaper basket to use for disposal.
Tap water –
I have always been a MASSIVE advocate against those stupid Brita water filters that do absolutely nothing but take up valuable door space that could otherwise be used for for condiments in your fridge. Precious real estate for things like Sriracha, Mayonnaise, Sriracha Mayonnaise, Ranch Dressing, Honey Mustard, Ketchup, and those tiny dill pickles that would certainly impress a houseguest if they were to find them on your door.
Okay, so this one got away from me. I do miss being able to just simply turn on my sink and fill up a water bottle without fearing for the aforementioned lack of toilet paper disposal.
America, in conclusion
I’m sure there are a slew of things I’m failing to remember at the moment that I’ve definitely missed. My friends. I’ve missed having my guys around. Walking around naked in my apartment almost constantly. Shitty light beer. Oh, I don’t know, maybe even my family.
As great of a year as it has been I’ve got a few things to catch up on now that I’m back.